And he replied, “You just figured that out?”

Yes. It has only recently occurred to me how much I love my blog. I’ve always loved writing, and have known for years that writing is my passion above all other artistic or communicative endeavors. But I now see how much I specifically love my blog.

My main “ministry” used to be leading worship. But I was always somewhat frustrated with that, because it wasn’t really what I wanted to do. I realize that worship music can play a significant role in healing and leading people to God. However, it felt very impersonal to me- very general and non-specific.

I have discovered that my blog has become my outward “ministry.” (when I say outward ministry, I mean it as a separate ministry from being a wife, mother, friend, etc.) It is the place where I can share what God has been teaching me, hoping that I may help other people. As a rather shy individual, I find it hard to talk with people who I am not close with about things that I believe are important, especially when I know they will not agree with me. This blog has become my stage- my platform- to express with complete earnestness everything I find difficult to speak with my mouth. I am analytical, methodical, and take a while to express exactly what I’m thinking. Writing allows me the time necessary to gather my thoughts together into a comprehensive message. Reading a message as opposed to a direct conversation, I believe, also helps the recipient be a little more open-minded. The reader is awarded the chance and time to think over the message- read it again- and contemplate. There’s no rush to reply, and there’s ample time to cool down before responding rashly, as is so common with conversation. At least, that’s how I look at it.

Also, this blog has the potential to reach such a wide range of people- many people I would not have otherwise come in contact with. I don’t know half the people who are subscribed to my blog or have left comments! I still find it amazing that anyone wants to read what I have to say- most especially individuals I do not have a personal relationship with. To make contacts around the globe through my blog is almost mind-blowing.

It is such a joy for me to have the opportunity to share my life lessons and experiences with others. I get a total kick out of telling everyone about my “no poo” experiement- how I make raw butter and sourdough bread- and coming soon, how I am learning to spin yarn from the wool of our very own sheep! It’s also deeply rewarding when someone tells me my series on The Torah has encouraged them to study the scriptures for themselves. I also enjoy commenting back and forth with people about topics that touch all of our lives- love, marriage, divorce, friendship, health- and gaining new perspectives and becoming more in tune with humanity.

If there is one thing I want this blog to be above all else, I want it to be a challenger. I want it to challenge people’s mind-sets and attitudes. The way we think determines everything in our lives. The way we think can either help us or hinder us. Our society has been so programmed and brainwashed to only accept certain dogmas and traditions. I hope my words may help break the chains which bind the minds of so many in order that they may be able to think for themselves, to question the status-quo, and to find freedom in making their own choices.

So thank you, dear reader, for sharing this blogging experience with me. If you weren’t there to read, I’d have no reason to write! :)

April 6, 2008

I woke up as a girl.

For a long time I resisted my allotment in life. I knew I was a girl, but I did not happily accept the fact. That might sound strange, and it does seem rather silly now that I think about it.

I honestly don’t care how I happened to become anti-girl. At present, I’m not interested in searching deep within myself and my past to discover how the crippling mindset happened. All I know is that I’m free of it and I will now accept my femininity with wide open arms and a really big smile, that smile I smile that’s entirely too big to fit on my face. Yeah, that one.

There are stereotypes about the female gender that long made me ashamed to be a girl.

1. Females are overly-emotional.

2. Females talk too much.

3. Females are flighty and prissy air-heads.

These stereotypes disgusted me and I vowed I would never fit those categories. I assumed that these things were bad because males have always cracked jokes about these feminine attributes. I didn’t want to be the object of a man’s joke.

But the more I pursued God, I began to realize that denying my femininity was denying God’s purpose for me. If God wanted me to be a man, then He would have created me a man. But He didn’t. He created me a female and I’m required to live as a female, to work out my place in the body of Christ. I can’t do that when I’m suppressing myself.

Strangely enough, I have long denied my emotions. No need for details right now as to why, but early on I began to hide my emotions, to wear masks in public. To protect myself from pain, I wouldn’t let people know what I was feeling, yet my heart always screamed to be heard.

When God began to reveal to me the things that had long ruined my life, I learned how to abandon the wrong thinking I had and live in the freedom God gives each of us. It was really a matter of identity. When I realized my rights as a child of God, I let go of the fear of failure and rejection. His love is perfect, and perfect love casts out fear.

The suppressing of my emotions was extremely suffocating for years. I am now learning that it’s quite alright for me to feel the majority of what I feel. It’s how God programmed me AS A FEMALE. and not only as a female, but it’s how he programmed Grace Lucille Daniel. I feel things. I think things. And I solve mysteries. I ask questions of my feelings, I think them through, and I arrive at answers which I can share with others. If I didn’t feel things as deeply as I do, I would not feel such a need to know why. And if I never found out why, then I could never help anyone else who struggles with the same thing, nor could I truly appreciate the good feelings if I did not comprehend them.

Now I will say something that has been received with shock on my part. It is a dramatic change for me.

I have become a cry-baby.

Most of us think of that term as negative, but I am here to tell you it is rather the opposite. For me, it is quite liberating. it is proof that I am able to freely relate with an emotion, which will help me relate with human beings. I have been in a public place and witnessed normal scenes, yet the simplicity and beauty of many of them have made my eyes water and my throat choke on a sob. I literally have to take a deep breath or I will spill out a great gust of emotion. I’d prefer not to randomly cry in public because people would find it strange. But just the fact that I have the urge to cry is a wonderful feeling.

I now have the urge to cry in almost every book I read and in every movie I watch. I first noticed this when watching “It’s a Wonderful Life” last Christmas. It was on tv and I screamed to change the channel because I was so sick of it that movie. But as it lingered on the screen, I got into it. REALLY into it. I’d seen the movie countless times, but this one time it became real. And then I realized I was crying.

I’m crying all the time now. Reading through Anne of Green Gables, I began crying when she went away to Queens and was missing Avonlea. I felt the loss so keenly, I missed Anne’s east gable room as much as she did! Then I began to tell another part of the story to my mother and I began to choke on my words because it was making me cry! It’s starting to seem a bit insane to me! But I won’t make myself stop. I rather enjoy this. I enjoy connecting with something like this. I enjoy laughing out loud when something funny happens in a book, when two lovers finally tell each other how they feel. I laugh out with glee!

Last week was a great week for me. I finally stopped long enough to catch my breath and so many of my girlish tendencies came back to me. I became the girl I used to be before I listened to the demons who hunted me down. I dream, I enjoy small moments, and I speak of everything. I’ve decided I want to be one of those people who always has an interesting story to tell. I don’t think I’ve lived enough to have many, but I do have a few. Every day I’m looking for a story, for an incident that I can share. There’s always something happening, there’s always something going on- and I don’t want to miss it! I want to soak up everything, to suck out the life of every moment and enjoy it as it is meant to be enjoyed.

This is how I was as a nine-year old girl. I was old enough to understand certain things, but I was young enough to retain childish innocence. I still played make-believe, dressed up, and spoke my mind without fear of rejection. That was the year I discovered my love of music and of writing. I was full of life and I loved learning. My Samantha doll became my best friend and I took her everywhere with me. Even though she was an amputee (her arm snapped off…), I loved her all the more and took tender care of her.

I would gather all my stuffed animals and throw a tea party in the living room. I crocheted random disasters that could serve as something useful if I thought creatively enough. I considered nothing trash, but found a purpose for everything, even it could be nothing but a strange looking piece of decoration. I thought up wonderful love stories (in which I was always the sought after girl) and imagined my grandmother’s old nightgowns into beautiful ball room dresses. I was good friends with all the trees in my backyard, and cried the day my growing sunflower I planted snapped over and died. I rode my bike up and down the sidewalk every day and played Indians with my neighbor. We would dig holes in the yard for no good reason, pulled up wild onions, and found berries to serve as paint. There was nothing I could not imagine, and life was rich because of it. I would sit on a hill in the backyard with the wind blowing through my hair, and pretend I was a model. Or I’d pretend I was a lonesome girl held captive by a horrible enemy, looking off in the distance for a handsome stranger to come rescue me. I would shove my face into the tire swing and sing into it, loving the sound of my own voice. I danced around the house and the yard and thought nothing of it.

I was such a happy girl at nine years old. It all faded into an ugly grey as the years went by. I lost the passion I possessed. Remnants of it still resided in my heart, yearning to be born again.

Last week those seeds sprouted. I have Lucy Maud Montgomery to thank for it. Montgomery wrote the Anne of Green Gables series, which I loved as a child. Though I did not read much of it at nine years old, I was quite familiar with the movies and had a mad love for Gilbert Blythe. I started reading the series again last week and I found a “kindred spirit” in Anne Shirley. I was much like Anne as a child, just not nearly as chatty and clumsy. But while becoming acquainted once again with the girl, I released my inner nine-year old again. I discovered so much about myself I had forgotten, so much that had been buried under years of suppression.

I love it.

I have always wanted to be nine years old again.

I will be a happy mother. I can’t wait. I’m going to have so much fun with my kids.

Whole wheat sourdough, with sourdough starter in background

Letting the sourdough cinnamon raisin bread rise.

Much appreciation goes to my husband Robert. I couldn’t do any of this without him. He’s the motivation, brains, and strength behind this entire project. He’s spent a lot of time and energy trying to make the hand-grinder easier to work. The motors he’s tried hooking up haven’t been successful, so the other day he just went ahead and hand cranked the thing, providing me with 10 cups of whole wheat flour! He’s my strong man :)
(Why are we using a hand grinder? Great question. I’ll have to answer it in detail in another blog. Sorry.)

Aaaand, I also needed Robert’s help to finish kneading the regular sourdough loaf. It was only my second experience with kneading, so needless to say, I’m not very good at it yet. I hope to make a loaf every week and to strengthen up soon :)

Sourdough loaves and the beautiful flowers Robert bought me last week!

The cinnamon raisin sourdough turned out GREAT. It doesn't even taste sour...

As I was mixing and kneading the dough, I told Robert that I finally felt like a real woman. HA! The following might sound a little strange coming from me, but I honestly felt like I was connecting with women of the past. Women have been making bread for thousands of years (ok, men too). It’s an ancient practice, and one that many modern women have not experienced. I really can’t explain how utterly satisfying it is to make something from scratch, using simple (though perhaps tiring) techniques. It’s about getting back to basics- to the beauty and simplicity of life that is so often overlooked in our current culture of speed and technology. To be able to knead a mound of bread dough, over and over and over again, and to do so with contentment- it’s one of the best feelings in the world. I feel the same feeling when I work with the earth, working in the garden. I feel it when I wash, card, and spin wool from our sheep. I feel it when I knit and crochet. I even feel it when I wash my baby’s cloth diapers. And this feeling also drives me to try new things, such as making cheese, sewing (never been that good at it), and weaving. It’s the feeling of being productive- knowing that you are doing something with your very own two hands- to be so involved in the process of something from start to finish. There’s few feelings to rival it.

To some, making bread from scratch might not be that impressive or monumental, but it feels like a huge milestone in my life. It’s long been a dream of mine to do all these “domestic” chores. Every time I fullfill another aspect of such living, I rejoice and thank my Father in heaven for allowing me the opportunity to have such experiences, and for the strength to actually accomplish these tasks.

I love my life :)

I just wanted to show off these flowers. I'm amazed at how well they are doing- over a week old and still just as beautiful!

It’s becoming evident to me that most of us have a hard time separating actions from intentions.

What do I mean by this?

For example: If you catch your child feeding chocolate to your cat, you quickly inform little Johnny that it’s wrong to do. Chocolate is bad for kitties. Little Johnny meant no harm by it at all- he thought he was being generous and friendly.

Were you condemning or judging little Johnny’s intentions? No. You were condemning his actions. You know that Johnny had no ill intentions when he fed the cat chocolate. However noble his intention, his action was still wrong. Unless you want your cat to die, feeding cats chocolate is wrong.

There’s a lot of offense coming from individuals who are informed they are doing something wrong or that their beliefs are not entirely correct. They feel that their very character is being attacked.

You say this: “Your actions of __________ are wrong.”
What they hear is this: “YOU are wrong and are bent on doing evil!”

How about a more specific example of what I mean:

I say this: “Vaccines are dangerous and you should not vaccinate your child.”
And some may hear this: “YOU are such a horrible parent if you vaccinate your child!”

Do you see the difference? I’m judging your actions- but I am NOT judging your intentions or sincerity. Did I say you’re a horrible parent if you vaccinate your child? NO! I know full well that you believe what you’re doing is right! You do what you believe is best for your child- you wouldn’t knowingly injure or expose your child to potential harm! DUH.

Here in the western world, we are so obsessed with our opinions and our beliefs, that any opposition to our currently held views becomes a threat to our very existence. We are so insecure in who we are that we cannot tolerate being informed that what we believe and do is wrong. All opposition to our way of thinking and living is suddenly a personal attack. We feel our sincerity and intentions are being dissected and found inadequate, when often, that’s really not the case. If someone suggests or states that our actions are wrong, we should not automatically assume that individual thinks we are evil and ill-intentioned.

I bring up this topic for two reasons.

The first reason is that I wish everyone (including me) would be less offendable and more open-minded. How can we get through life being so insecure? How can we possibly better ourselves and the world around us if we take all opposition so darn personal?

The second reason is that I don’t want to be misinterpreted. I believe, say, and do a lot of controversial stuff, and will most likely continue to do so more and more. I want it known that when I speak or write about a topic and state my views, I am not attacking the other side. I may “attack” their actions and their beliefs, but I am in no way attacking the individuals and their intentions. On the other hand, I don’t want my “unconventional” views to cause you to think that *I* am insincere or ill-intentioned. Even if you think my beliefs or actions are detrimental or unhealthy, please remember that I sincerely believe that I am right! I do not knowingly harm myself and others, but rather, I honestly believe I am doing good.

We must leave behind this opinion-based identity. Placing our worth in our opinions only hinders us as individuals and as a society. We must learn to be confident in who we are- able to withstand the rains of opposition. Only then will we be happy and secure; only then will we have the ability to educate ourselves.

(Read “Opinion-based identity Part 1″ here.)

And he’s gonna say, ‘What? What are you talking about?’

‘Well, your letter to the Corinthians.’

And he’s gonna go, ‘You read that??’

‘Yeah man, people were trying to tell me I was wrong.’

And he says, ‘But I didn’t write that for them. I wrote that for the people in Corinth.’”

-Rico Cortes, Paul & Circumcision

Context is everything.

After establishing how effective the cucumber lemon shampoothie was, I decided to try a vinegar rinse as a conditioner. This last time, after washing my hair with baking soda, I used a vinegar rinse my best friend made for me- a combination of red wine vinegar and some spices. It was a little awkward, as I couldn’t quite figure out the best way to get it in my hair, but I got the job done.

Again- great results! (I’d post a picture, but I’m having a hard time getting good shots- I’m rather perfectionist like that.)

I’m very happy that vinegar works well, as it’s much more convenient than peeling and blending cucumber and lemon together… not to mention it doesn’t clog the drain with pulp! I’m sure I will go back to the shampoothie now and then, especially for use as face/body wash (it’s soooo divine!).

This may be the last post for a while in my no poo experiment. I can’t think of anything new I would like to try, but if I do, you can be sure I will blog about it! 

I recommend you read all of my blog posts (ha ha), but I particularly recommend this one. It hasn’t had nearly as many views as the others in the Torah series. I know it’s a very lengthy one to go through, but it addresses all of the key passages of Paul’s epistles which are used to support the idea that the Torah is no longer applicable. For far too long, Christianity has misunderstood Paul and his message. It is my hope that I may shed some light on this confusing topic.

This is the common design of many diaper covers.

I’ll just come right out and say it:

I LOVE cloth diapers!

Before you gag on me, I want you to know that cloth diapers have come a long way from safety pins and rubber shorts. These ain’t your momma’s cloth diapers- welcome to the new, easy, and hip generation of cloth diapering!

Econobums are about the cheapest way to go, and they work great. For $10 you get a diaper cover and prefold. I got 6 during a buy one get one free sale.

The diapering system I use has prefold diapers which fit right into a diaper cover- snap and go! SO easy! There are other types of cloth diapers, such as all-in-ones and pocket diapers. I don’t use AIO (all-in-ones) because they only get one use before washing- not very practical in my opinion. However, for the next baby, I would love to get some bumGenius newborn AIOs. The diaper covers I have didn’t fit my daughter until she was about a month and half old, so I had to use disposables. AIO would be great for the newborn stage because it works the same way as a disposable; no folding the diaper and stuffing it into a cover- it’s quick and easy. I have never tried the pocket diapers, simply because I don’t think I would like them either.

For diaper covers, I have 6 GroVia snap shells and 6 Econobums. These are the only ones I have tried, but I am pleased with both. The Econobums are much thinner, and I suspect they will not last as long as the GroVias. They also seem bigger than the GroVias. However, they are cheaper and so far they are working great. I currently have three different types of diapers: Econobums (one comes with each cover), the Diaper Rite Birdseye Cotton Flats, and the Diaper Rite Prefolds. For me, the Econobums and the prefolds work best in the Econobum covers, and the cotton flats work best with the GroVia covers. The cotton flats take extra time in folding and unfolding; however, they are also a little cheaper, and as I mentioned, work best with my GroVias. I also have some Gerber Birdseye flats that I’ve never actually used because they are rather long. They generally get used as burp rags.

I’ve got the diapers nailed down to a comfortable and predictable system. Soiled diapers are kept in a utility bucket with a lid, which contains the smell. I wash the diapers Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. After I dump the load in the washer, I spray the bucket with Thieves spray and a little water and wipe it down. Once the diapers are done in the washer, I put them in the dryer and I set the diaper covers out by the wood stove (in warm weather they go out on a line to dry). Once everything is dry, they all get folded neatly and put in their proper places on the diaper shelf. I love order and routine! It’s so much fun! :)

These are handy when the waste is more solid. These bio-degradable liners catch the poo and you can just throw it away.

Some of you may be wondering, “Why cloth diapers?”
Here are my reasons:

1. Natural is just fun. Having my baby wear cotton cloth diapers just feels better in my mind. I’m convinced it’s healthier. Her disposables gave off this icky chemical smell everytime she went. That’s how I knew she just went peepee… there was this odd smell that was anything but natural. So I’m glad she’s not exposed to those chemicals anymore. (I’m actually in the process of researching cloth sanitary pads for myself for the same health reasons. Since I already have a diaper washing schedule, throwing in used sanitary pads won’t be much extra work.) I recently switched to disposables for a weekend because our washer needs repair and I didn’t want the extra laundry. Boy- I did not like them. Most of them leaked, and they just smelled weird…

Don't forget wetbags! An absolute must-have for traveling. Put baby's soiled diapers in the wetbag until you get home- you won't smell them at all!

2. Routine is always nice, and for me, absolutely necessary (or else I get nothing done). Having a diaper washing schedule has dramatically helped me schedule the rest of my life. It’s pretty much the backbone of my week- no matter what’s going on, I can help maintain my sanity and sense of order by always washing the diapers Mon-Wed-Fri.

3. It really is cheaper in the long run. Sure, you’re using more water and soap which costs $, but it’s still waaaay cheaper than buying disposables, especially if you’re planning on having many children like I am.

4. Less waste. I’m not an environmental “green” activist, but I do think we should be less wasteful and take care of the earth. So I feel better knowing I’m not adding to the huge trash mounds around the world.

Many people think that cloth diapers are so much extra work. But there’s hardly anything to it, really. It adds maybe an extra two hours (totally guessing, it’s probably less) of work to my week. Of course, when the warm weather comes around, I will hang the diapers on a line outside, and that will add time. But at least it’s time well spent out-of-doors breathing fresh air in the sunshine! (can never get too much of that!) I’m told that time is money and I shouldn’t unneccesarily waste it. But the truth is, I have more time than I have money, so I should use what resources I have (isn’t my logic awesome?!).

I thoroughly enjoy cloth diapering and think every mother should give it a try. If you’d like to try cloth diapers, but aren’t sure what you want and don’t want to make a huge investment yet, you can take DiaperJunction’s 30 Day Cloth Diaper Test Drive. My best friend did this (thanks for being a guinea pig, haha) and her reviews helped me pick what I wanted.

For your research and curiosity, here are a list of websites that sell cloth diaper products:

http://www.thenaturalbabyco.com/

http://www.diaperjunction.com/

http://gro-via.com/

http://www.econobum.com/homepg.php

http://www.bumgenius.com/

http://www.diaperrite.com/

http://www.imsevimse.us/default.aspx

the diaper shelf :)

skating hat- goes over ears and ties under chin

Some days, you just gotta knit.

Forget the dishes, forget the laundry, forget the fact that you still have 15-some pounds of raw wool that needs to be washed… just get out your needles and yarn and knit away!

It’s only when I take a look at my projects on Ravelry that I realize just how much I HAVE been knitting. I always feel like I’m trying to scrape together some time to knit, but apparently those scrapes are adding up. I’ve knit and crocheted a whole slew of projects in the past few months… with no end in sight. This is my one real hobby- unless, of course, you consider blogging a hobby. Hmm…

Yes, knitting and blogging are my two “obsessions.” I think about them constantly. If I awake in the middle of the night and can’t get back to sleep, there are usually one of two (or both) things on my mind- the next topic I will blog about, and any number of different knit patterns. This is why I have 30 half-finished blog drafts and 30 knitting projects in my ravelry queue. It only makes sense that I finally combine my two loves together into this post.

baby hat

I’m blogging about knitting!

Someday, perhaps, I will quit blogging. However, I can’t imagine a time when I will ever quit knitting- especially now that we’ve finally aquired some sheep! This love of sheep, wool, and knitting is something I wish to pass onto my children. I get so excited thinking about the time when Mercy is old enough for me to teach her how to knit and crochet! Knitting is such a beautiful, satisfying, relaxing, and productive tradition. I’m so happy that it’s making a real comeback in this age of cheaply made imported products!

At this point, I want to tell the whole world how much I love and appreciate my husband for believing in me and encouraging me to pursue my dreams! Knitting is something I’ve wanted to do for years, but have shied away from because it seemed too complicated. Robert helped me get serious about knitting and I’ve been crazy about it ever since. He has purchased the needles and other tools I need, as well this enormous stash of yarn I now have! Now that we have sheep, I will someday soon be able to knit him a sweater from the wool of our sheep that I have personally washed, combed, and spun into yarn! GAH! I get so giddy thinking about it…

Holding our first lamb, a ram, named Uno. His mother Jubilee stands by.

Believe it or not, my needle collection is still incomplete... I still need double pointed needles in size 5, 10, and 15 :)

In case you ever see me staring at you, it’s probably because you’re wearing some sort of knit garment, and I’m trying to figure out the pattern. I’m not creepy- I’m just an obsessed knitter!